Yesterday was a good day. I got drunk. I drank like hell. So I vomited about 4 times at night through - if I can remember.
So ended the weekend, it is time to begin all again.
And so it is what happened.
Monday.
To wake, to work, to eat.
Girlfriend, Aikido, Computer and soon I will be in my bed watching TV, and reading.
Then, I will be hoping to dream this night to then, give me some agitation to my life.

Tudo tende ao Tédio.

Teoria
(Biquini Cavadão)

Eu sei que a vida inteira
Vou procurar desculpas pra mim mesmo
Pra tudo que eu faço, e o que fizer,
Das culpas me desfaço


Razões, as mais sinceras,
Vou formular, como se fosse teoria
E terei uma certeza que eu criei
E a mim mesmo explicaria

Mas tudo que eu faço hoje
Não é diferente do que antes eu fazia
Eu convencia o mundo inteiro
Só a mim mesmo, não convencia
Se tudo fosse teoria....

Eu quero explicar a todos o que sinto
Mas pareço acreditar que o tempo todo estou mentindo
Se Deus me explicasse, ao menos me conformaria
Mas como acreditar se Deus também é teoria.

Tudo que eu faço hoje
Não é diferente do que antes eu fazia
Eu convencia o mundo inteiro
Só a mim mesmo, não convencia
Se tudo fosse teoria...

I think this last night was the worst of my life.
I got a fever.
I almost couldn't sleep. I woke 10 minutes after another.
Then, today morning I did not go to work. Noon after I was there working.
All the same I could say.
I still a bit a bit ill a ease yet, but better. Rolling left to right on bed has given me a back-ache.
By this illness I did not go to aikido as well.

This week has passed so fast.
It seems like yesterday was the sunday, with that bored catolic party.
All year is the same.
It makes me remember two years ago. I was down. Crawling if I could say.
And she knows why.
Why can't I feel hate?



"You said: "hey, my love, I'm sorry but we can't go on 'cause
I'm in love with someone else"
Tell me, what do you want me to say
When you treat me this way"
-Last drop falls

Good. Valentine's Day. Great to celebrate an union between two people.
That is what I did. Got out with my girlfriend, we ate pancake with a pretty good juice. The bad was before it. As always I'd made a wrong thing. Idiot is the word that defines me.
A great one.

"Simple words can change the Universe."

Another normal day. And it makes me tedious. Boredom brings discontent thoughts.
Will all these discontent thoughts bring acts?
It is all that matters isn't it? Acts!
Acts and acts.
They are what moves the world, what moves life.

How I am longing for a drunk. To drink vodka, or whatever, 'till fall down and sleep.
Then to wake with a head-hurting. All that by a sound of Placedo, Ramones, Nirvana or whatever makes me dance and jump.
How it calls me. How it makes a anxiety for some party and heavy and dirty sound.

How my city makes me a bit more sad about it. No way to go, it is what I mean.
Make my own party I could say, who's with me?

I am druging myself right now, with Coke. Who don't like this capitalist shit? Like a punk I am writting now.
Joking.
Coke is good. Love it. The feeling of this liquid going down my throat through.
And all this with the bonus of it's killing me. Who would think a better thing?

Besides I like to sleep, I wish I could not was slave of it. Sleeping is a lost of time. To be awaken all night, listening to music and drinking with friends, talking foolishes. My inner calls to it right now. It shout out in good and high sound. Me, and only me, can hear it screaming inside myself. I miss our parties old friends, how I miss.

Well, good night all.

"All get to the same point"

I laughed today when the psichologist said I was, by the exams I made, nervous, sometimes explosive and inconstant. Me, the calm in person. Well, to wake so early must had had she going mistaken. Everyone who talks to me a bit, knows that I am not like 'the exams' said.

I am a little sleepy now, 'cause I woke to early. 6:00AM.
Then I'd been in the exams - to the motorist test - then went to the work.
The Aikido after that was pretty cool. I got my kimono and learnt and trained more moves.

Good night.



"Wonder when ice-cream will come(?)"

I read something of books I read times ago last night. So I'd waken late and went to a so-so party.
To have watched the F1 was then only good thing 'bout it.

After a very so-so party, I went to my girfriend's house where I stayed 'till now.

There's no much to talk today.

"Melhor ficar parado para que alguém
no mesmo estado em que estou possa me achar."
-Arcos

Pra onde correr, se onde quer que vá, vou me encontrar?

I found a lost wallet yesterday.
Who has ever found it in life? Who haven't, don't know how is to see a lot of money on it and feel a great will to take. In the end, I gave the wallet back, got the reward and got in peace with my mind.
It comes to the point of 'have we free choice or not?'. Even I think I had, if I hadn't, would I knew? No. It'll like a knot in destiny. My choice was already known by Fate.
This example that happened fit well to I explain my way of view.

Aikido at night, then a little bad talking with my girlfriend I prefer don't talk to much. Hope is not going to a end I see is going to.
I am a little better today, not so 'far away' as other days, at least 'till night, when thoughts arise again. I slept very early yesterday, didn't eat, use the pc neither read.
Only dreams got me as a good life I would life to have, and know, I will never have.

"And if I only could,
Make a deal with God,
And get him to swap our places"

-Running up that hill

I am making a great strain to write here today. It means I have nothing - or do I have, but can't - to write.
I am so worried about been bothering others that is touching to see. Me trying to be cool leaving people. It gets to the point of be a bit funny.
I am listening to Sopor Aeternus right now.
Not a good thing to do in this moment, but who feels like me should understand how this kind of music calls us.
I don't know what to expect tomorrow. Maybe make some thoughts come true.
I'd bet in myself right now if I could that it'll happen. Well, nothing that time does not say.

"I'd like to have a bridge to jump from it." - some wrote once (Yes, I stole you now!), and it's right a wish I'd make if I could. It should be the best way to die. Falling from real great altitude, like flying, feeling the wind, all life been watched on mind as you see the end coming right there. So no pain, and you go to a place that may be better than ours.

This is for a girl who ask for something in Portuguese



Lembranças alegres somem
Tristezas passadas... voltas pesadas
Penoso caminho sem horizonte
Pensamentos direcionados em uma só direção
Sorrisos largos, depois mais falsos
Como sempre
Decaindo, decaindo, onde é o fim?
Pensamentos como correntes
Como algemas, quase dóem
Palavras que consolam por alguns minutos
Momentos que consolam, momentos juntos
Lágrimas engolidas, agora engasgadas
E como uma doença irada
Perdem-se e se espalham sem antídoto
E agora eu aqui inibido
Espalho o que por mim é sentido

I promised to someone to write about my vision on Fate. Sorry, I can't do it now.
Not in a complex way I'd like.
Simplifying, I think future is already planned. We can't change it. Someones simply give up to it, others fight against to get to same point. I only don't want to get tired.

My day. Another tiring day. To work doesn't tires, to wake as well. What tires me is myself.
I am tired about myself.

Sorry to anyone about myself.
I know I've been boring. In fact, I am. I understand if you simply go. It's totally comprehensible to me. Noone has a duty to like, if even I do not.


Sorry to everyone if I made, make, or will make to you all.
I do my best, and sometimes it's not enough.
I guess it all is not enough

Anxiety.
Today was a great bad day.
My mind and 'all me' is down. I simply can't smile.
I can't like myself, I am feeling as I am the worst - in fact I am - person on world.
I look at the mirror and see a loser.
First time people can see it on a public place - who'll see I wonder - and right now I don't care. I am empty. But, whoever is reading, pity is not a word you should feel.
There is another word you should; And if you think, deep in you inner you can feel it.