Yes, last of the days.
The year is ending, and leaving behind one more trace of cowardice.

My body hurts. It all by a Rock'n'Roll Festival we had here yesterday. That was cool.
Drank a lot, but I didn't get drunk like I wish. Mainly because certain things I heard.
Always getting hurted? People - just like me I could say - speak to much, but don't make things the way just said. It's easy say things to solve others ones problems, not ours.



"I always say the truth, but if not, I could be lying right now."

Nothing to much to write these days. All the boredom have not allowed me to write here too much.

This weekend we have here the Mayor's Election. I just want to drink. Seems funny huh?

A lot of friends will be here, so a great party seems to have taking form to happen. And this is what I expect to occur. 

I took some more Driving Lessons, and I am close to earn my Driving ID. 

Sleeping has got me so hard these days. Not normal for me, which had passed so long time with that cruel and merciless sleeplessness.

So, bye, better go.

"Merely a small piece of dust."

One more week.  Always the same on these days. 

What a good day to dye. ;D

Another weekend's coming and I wonder how it'll be - since last one I really fell drunk to sleep.

This week has passed in a rhythm very fast, and nothing new has happened. 

All the same. 

And my feelings so.

"He fell, looked up and simply nothing could help him."

Corre, corre

Alcança o que persegue

Toma um porre

Que nada que sinta negue

Olha a lua

Estragada a vida

Pega a sua, crua,

e exorbita nua

Defina, definha,

perca a linha

Adiante, precipício

Voar e sonhar

Shit... 6AM a problem on my job. I had to went there. Well... nothing to curse, i knew it could happen. 

Now just a good party  all this weekend and let's see what happen.

I woke with a bad feeling so, today I'm a bit worse I use to. 

The work was a great torture every second. Gabi's saved my time - thanks!

I just wanted to be at home, but time extends at its maximum. To complete, when the job had over, and I got out, I was called back. Result: one hour and a half more of work.

Right, hard to tomorrow be worse that today was.

 After went at my friend - and old girlfriend - Jejeh, here I am, listening to Moptop, and soon maybe Nirvana or somekind of, and chatting with Vivi - hi there Vivi.

o/

Not to say I forgot, a "Hello" for you too Rafa.

Happy it seems huh?

"Quem nunca quis amar além do medo

Não vou tentar"

Wish You Were Here
Pink Floyd


So,
So you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
Blue skies from pain
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

Did they get you to trade
Your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
Did you exchange
A walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears
Wish you were here

Youtube

What a nice and confusing weekend this last one was!
A party at a place near here, nice music, dancing and drinks. Much drinks.
But I didn't get drunkard.
Then came talkings, which are what make me very confusing right now.
Since my relationship ended, many things have happened.

Never passed through it. Don't know how to act, how to react.
Wishing simply disappear.
Simply disappear.

Teatro Mágico's show was simply AMAZING!
Can't wait to be on another one.
Then this week has begun and the job is a bit complicated. I give a report about it.
Sleepiness has taken me as never before. Never had it before, and now I am sleepy a lot.

Nothing's too much new. Next weekend there is a supposed great party at a place near city and I will be there. It'll go daybreak through and hope a lot of friend to be there.

Well... that's it.

Here, a pic from the show.

I am sleepy here, and a bit drunken. My relationship has ended, at least it was very very ease. We simply decided it's better we be friends. What am I gonna be now?

After this first week alone in my new job, it seems to be easier I expected. It's flowing very well right now.

I am really sleepy, so sorry if something is wrong written.

Realejo
Teatro Mágico


Será que a sorte virá num realejo?
Trazendo o pão da manhã
A faca e o queijo
Ou talvez... um beijo teu
Que me empreste a alegria... que me faça juntar
Todo resto do dia... meu café, meu jantar
Meu mundo inteiro...
que é tão fácil de enxergar... E chegar

Nenhum medo que possa enfrentar
Nem segredo que possa contar

Enquanto e tão cedo
Tão cedo

Enquanto for... um berço meu
Enquanto for... um terço meu
Serás vida... bem vinda
Serás viva... bem viva
Em mim

Será que a noite vira num vilarejo
vejo a ponte que levara o que desejo
admiro o que há de lindo e o que há de ser... você

Enquanto for... um berço meu
Enquanto for... um terço meu
Serás vida... bem vinda
Serás viva... bem viva
Em mim

"Os opostos se distraem
Os dispostos se atraem"

New job has begun today.
It's a cool job, hard is the work. Hope get it as soon as possible, in fact I have not to much time anyway.
Weekend Jeh got down by alchool. I expect she never drink so much as she did.


"Nothing else matters"

Another Time
Edguy



The rain outside reminds me of your voice
Like everything I hear since you're not there
And distance doesn't leave me any choice
Than to meet you in a dream we still can share
In my dream I see your smile
But when I open up my eyes
I can't see anyone
Now that you have gone away
I wonder if we'll reach the day
That you will realize that we belong

I can't take it for granted
I remember your smile
I can't take it for granted
'Cause I know that our life is in line
For another day or life in another time
In another time, in another time

The pressure and the fear it made you blind
You thought you have to give some burden away
But are you really sure if it's required?
Don't you want to find out another day?

In my dream I see your smile
But when I open up my eyes
I can't see anyone
Now that you have gone away
I wonder if we'll reach the day
That you will realize that we belong

I can't take it for granted
I remember your smile
I can't take it for granted
'Cause I know that our life is in line
For another day or life in another time
In another time, in another time

I can't take it for granted - I can't take it
I remember your smile - I remember
I can't take it for granted - I can't take it
'Cause I know that our life is in line
For another day or life in another time
In another time, in another time

It's so tight within when we look to past and it glare at us like a storm destroying simply everything that is fragile. I am not a strong old oak. Most like a rose falling apart by every single weak whisper of wind. I get down; and the torrent pass through me, drown me and carry me to the deep well.
So I crawl - or try - to take a breath. What get into my lungs it's enough to carry on in this long and seemingly endless thing called life.

Those old and lasting memories which can like fire on skin stay on my mind - like ghosts? no! And yes, we of course have the present, as well pushing us on. And on. And on...
Inspiration go away.
All thing always go away.

"Victoria stared at his eyes, and he simply gave up to his love."

Who will maybe someday understand it?

These last days have been a mess. Lot of things happening as I look to solve the problems.
Went there, been another place, new informations and possibilities who can maybe come true this time, then go away in a week.
And that old inner feeling with hit inside.
There was OPIS. Some kind of sporting event we have to gather money to entities of the city. That was cool and released a lot my mind, mainly because I drank. Nice to had seen old friends as Vic, and met another ones like Faela. Then slept out of home reminds me the old times of crazy parties I had.

Some days of normal work, then I got noticed I could get that job. Went to Sampa - which bad events had occured I prefer not to comment - to make my job attest. We get today, I am writing here. Tomorrow there's a show on a neighboor city. C&X, a country couple. Probably I will be there. And so I hope, in this Sunday, been watching Batman. Lot of time I am waiting this movie, so hope watch it.


"Todo dia de manhã é nostalgia das besteiras que fizemos ontem"

Great weekend we - my friends and I - had. We enjoyed picnic in a neighbor city. That was cool, but a lot of friends did not are there. We walked a climbing then we got to a great stone. So we ate a lot of bad food like children.

So yesterday in Aikido, Allan, my next door friend, was there. I hope he begin to training with us, in fact, it'll be easier to myself train with a body size one like me.
Today was a great frustantion. I waited a almost 3Gb file downloaded then it was a wrong one. Well, at least I hope it work in some utility in future.

Hope I have something more interesting to post here in future as well.


"How rich in contrast love can be"
-Sopor Aeternus

I discovered something new yesterday.
It is called I-Doser.
I am trying it yet, so I will not talk to much about it.

Aikido was cool after all this very slow week. In the job the moviment of work was very slow.
Almost nothing were made by me and my comrade of work.
So now is friday and a party is occuring on a school near here. I am not there by a entirety of things. One is I have no will to go there and see same things and that certain person. Another is I am fine here.

"I'll never be open again"
-Space Dye-Vest
(Dream Theater)

Surfando Karmas & DNA


-Engenheiros Do Hawaii

Quantas vezes eu estive
cara à cara com a pior metade?
A lembrança no espelho,
a esperança na outra margem

Quantas vezes a gente sobrevive
à hora da verdade?
Na falta de algo melhor
nunca me faltou coragem

Se eu soubesse antes o que sei agora
erraria tudo exatamente igual...

Tenho vivido um dia por semana
acaba a grana, mês ainda tem
Sem passado nem futuro,
eu vivo um dia de cada vez

Quantas vezes eu estive
cara à cara com a pior metade?
Quantas vezes a gente sobrevive
à hora da verdade?

Se eu soubesse antes o que sei agora
iria embora antes do final...

Surfando karmas e DNA
eu não quero ter o que eu não tenho
não tenho medo de errar!

Surfando karmas e DNA
não quero ser o que eu não sou
eu não sou maior que o mar...

Surfando karmas e DNA...
na falta do que fazer, inventei a minha liberdade!!

Surfando karmas e DNA
não quero ter o que eu não tenho
não tenho medo de errar

Surfando karmas e DNA
não quero ser o que eu não sou
eu não sou maior que o mar

Last weekend was cool. I travelled to grandma's house to a party. It's cool change the atmosphere sometimes. Then I went to shopping, walked around and went to cinema.
Good movie I watched, it's called Wall-e. A Pixar and Disney new animation. Good movie.

Then the week has begun again and my motivation is that I've got a few films to watch.
Another things I have in fact, but I won't write about it so early.

I am not to well to write today, see you.


"Shadow without a light."

Yesterday was a good day. I got drunk. I drank like hell. So I vomited about 4 times at night through - if I can remember.
So ended the weekend, it is time to begin all again.
And so it is what happened.
Monday.
To wake, to work, to eat.
Girlfriend, Aikido, Computer and soon I will be in my bed watching TV, and reading.
Then, I will be hoping to dream this night to then, give me some agitation to my life.

Tudo tende ao Tédio.

Teoria
(Biquini Cavadão)

Eu sei que a vida inteira
Vou procurar desculpas pra mim mesmo
Pra tudo que eu faço, e o que fizer,
Das culpas me desfaço


Razões, as mais sinceras,
Vou formular, como se fosse teoria
E terei uma certeza que eu criei
E a mim mesmo explicaria

Mas tudo que eu faço hoje
Não é diferente do que antes eu fazia
Eu convencia o mundo inteiro
Só a mim mesmo, não convencia
Se tudo fosse teoria....

Eu quero explicar a todos o que sinto
Mas pareço acreditar que o tempo todo estou mentindo
Se Deus me explicasse, ao menos me conformaria
Mas como acreditar se Deus também é teoria.

Tudo que eu faço hoje
Não é diferente do que antes eu fazia
Eu convencia o mundo inteiro
Só a mim mesmo, não convencia
Se tudo fosse teoria...

I think this last night was the worst of my life.
I got a fever.
I almost couldn't sleep. I woke 10 minutes after another.
Then, today morning I did not go to work. Noon after I was there working.
All the same I could say.
I still a bit a bit ill a ease yet, but better. Rolling left to right on bed has given me a back-ache.
By this illness I did not go to aikido as well.

This week has passed so fast.
It seems like yesterday was the sunday, with that bored catolic party.
All year is the same.
It makes me remember two years ago. I was down. Crawling if I could say.
And she knows why.
Why can't I feel hate?



"You said: "hey, my love, I'm sorry but we can't go on 'cause
I'm in love with someone else"
Tell me, what do you want me to say
When you treat me this way"
-Last drop falls

Good. Valentine's Day. Great to celebrate an union between two people.
That is what I did. Got out with my girlfriend, we ate pancake with a pretty good juice. The bad was before it. As always I'd made a wrong thing. Idiot is the word that defines me.
A great one.

"Simple words can change the Universe."

Another normal day. And it makes me tedious. Boredom brings discontent thoughts.
Will all these discontent thoughts bring acts?
It is all that matters isn't it? Acts!
Acts and acts.
They are what moves the world, what moves life.

How I am longing for a drunk. To drink vodka, or whatever, 'till fall down and sleep.
Then to wake with a head-hurting. All that by a sound of Placedo, Ramones, Nirvana or whatever makes me dance and jump.
How it calls me. How it makes a anxiety for some party and heavy and dirty sound.

How my city makes me a bit more sad about it. No way to go, it is what I mean.
Make my own party I could say, who's with me?

I am druging myself right now, with Coke. Who don't like this capitalist shit? Like a punk I am writting now.
Joking.
Coke is good. Love it. The feeling of this liquid going down my throat through.
And all this with the bonus of it's killing me. Who would think a better thing?

Besides I like to sleep, I wish I could not was slave of it. Sleeping is a lost of time. To be awaken all night, listening to music and drinking with friends, talking foolishes. My inner calls to it right now. It shout out in good and high sound. Me, and only me, can hear it screaming inside myself. I miss our parties old friends, how I miss.

Well, good night all.

"All get to the same point"

I laughed today when the psichologist said I was, by the exams I made, nervous, sometimes explosive and inconstant. Me, the calm in person. Well, to wake so early must had had she going mistaken. Everyone who talks to me a bit, knows that I am not like 'the exams' said.

I am a little sleepy now, 'cause I woke to early. 6:00AM.
Then I'd been in the exams - to the motorist test - then went to the work.
The Aikido after that was pretty cool. I got my kimono and learnt and trained more moves.

Good night.



"Wonder when ice-cream will come(?)"

I read something of books I read times ago last night. So I'd waken late and went to a so-so party.
To have watched the F1 was then only good thing 'bout it.

After a very so-so party, I went to my girfriend's house where I stayed 'till now.

There's no much to talk today.

"Melhor ficar parado para que alguém
no mesmo estado em que estou possa me achar."
-Arcos

Pra onde correr, se onde quer que vá, vou me encontrar?

I found a lost wallet yesterday.
Who has ever found it in life? Who haven't, don't know how is to see a lot of money on it and feel a great will to take. In the end, I gave the wallet back, got the reward and got in peace with my mind.
It comes to the point of 'have we free choice or not?'. Even I think I had, if I hadn't, would I knew? No. It'll like a knot in destiny. My choice was already known by Fate.
This example that happened fit well to I explain my way of view.

Aikido at night, then a little bad talking with my girlfriend I prefer don't talk to much. Hope is not going to a end I see is going to.
I am a little better today, not so 'far away' as other days, at least 'till night, when thoughts arise again. I slept very early yesterday, didn't eat, use the pc neither read.
Only dreams got me as a good life I would life to have, and know, I will never have.

"And if I only could,
Make a deal with God,
And get him to swap our places"

-Running up that hill

I am making a great strain to write here today. It means I have nothing - or do I have, but can't - to write.
I am so worried about been bothering others that is touching to see. Me trying to be cool leaving people. It gets to the point of be a bit funny.
I am listening to Sopor Aeternus right now.
Not a good thing to do in this moment, but who feels like me should understand how this kind of music calls us.
I don't know what to expect tomorrow. Maybe make some thoughts come true.
I'd bet in myself right now if I could that it'll happen. Well, nothing that time does not say.

"I'd like to have a bridge to jump from it." - some wrote once (Yes, I stole you now!), and it's right a wish I'd make if I could. It should be the best way to die. Falling from real great altitude, like flying, feeling the wind, all life been watched on mind as you see the end coming right there. So no pain, and you go to a place that may be better than ours.

This is for a girl who ask for something in Portuguese



Lembranças alegres somem
Tristezas passadas... voltas pesadas
Penoso caminho sem horizonte
Pensamentos direcionados em uma só direção
Sorrisos largos, depois mais falsos
Como sempre
Decaindo, decaindo, onde é o fim?
Pensamentos como correntes
Como algemas, quase dóem
Palavras que consolam por alguns minutos
Momentos que consolam, momentos juntos
Lágrimas engolidas, agora engasgadas
E como uma doença irada
Perdem-se e se espalham sem antídoto
E agora eu aqui inibido
Espalho o que por mim é sentido

I promised to someone to write about my vision on Fate. Sorry, I can't do it now.
Not in a complex way I'd like.
Simplifying, I think future is already planned. We can't change it. Someones simply give up to it, others fight against to get to same point. I only don't want to get tired.

My day. Another tiring day. To work doesn't tires, to wake as well. What tires me is myself.
I am tired about myself.

Sorry to anyone about myself.
I know I've been boring. In fact, I am. I understand if you simply go. It's totally comprehensible to me. Noone has a duty to like, if even I do not.


Sorry to everyone if I made, make, or will make to you all.
I do my best, and sometimes it's not enough.
I guess it all is not enough

Anxiety.
Today was a great bad day.
My mind and 'all me' is down. I simply can't smile.
I can't like myself, I am feeling as I am the worst - in fact I am - person on world.
I look at the mirror and see a loser.
First time people can see it on a public place - who'll see I wonder - and right now I don't care. I am empty. But, whoever is reading, pity is not a word you should feel.
There is another word you should; And if you think, deep in you inner you can feel it.

Boredom.
While one part of me want to move another simply can't reponse it. Inertia has become part of me. As the days go, more and more my body stays immobile. My inner fights with my body in a will of go and stay.
My mood again has turning to a cold face, and I know soon it'll begin to bother. Myself and my life in the whole. I got used to it. And my, how could I say, 'selfish' thought of 'don't care a fuck' to all it makes it all a bit dificult to solve.

It all doesn't make any sense. How the world is fool and how life is useless.

I think I am fading. It's funny how people cannot see things right under their noses.
I am just talk foolishes to others, and as always forgetting the main thing: to care myself.
It always was my mistake and it'll always be.

Right now I am thinking same things and doing same things.
In fact, I like it, and it really doesn't bother me, but I wonder when "world" will catch me to reality of our times.
Always pretending, always trying to be nice. How much time it'll long?

...Then thou thinkest I insane?

...is because thou not knowest what is fall and cannot rise. Fall in the Underworld, see Mister Pain and Mistress Death very, very close saying: "Thy soul is lost..."
...is because thou art blind to the reality. Thou not seest the shadows cover thee and laugh of thy insignificance and mortal soul...
...is because thou not knowest what is have eyes gloating at thee at the night. Eyes which not allow the sleeping. Eyes which bring the fear.
...is because thou not knowest what is live against the Fate. Live condened to never smile really. Fight, even knowing the win is impossible. Locked in Destine's Hands.
...is because thou not feelest the affliction of the others. Their real feelings buried in the deep of their hearts, end not feelest them hitting thee within, being no possible put them out.
...is because thou not hast a heart full of cuts of the Time. Wounds which never stop to bleed. Thou not hast a mind deteriorated daily drowning into the deepest pit.
...is because thou not what is live cannot understanding why the others laugh and have to wear a joy mask to fake thine.
...is because thou not passest all life seeking for a answer, knowing that it is discover that wilt suffer to Eternity and after.
...Is because thou not hast suicidal thoughts all time and feelest desire to do it. To know, that this is the best way to end it all, but hast not courage to make it true.
...is because thou not what is hast not springs, only winters... not knowest what is seest all the world with palid colors, black and white, and have this paliness trespassing th inner.
...is because thou not knowest what is hast not faith and hope in the day of tomorrow. God exists, the Demon too, noe look around and tell who is winning?
I already have my conclusions...
...is because thou knowest what is hast thy beloved there without at least glipse at thee, and have to love with the eyes because more than it, thou knowest, wilt suffer more and more...
No, thou not knowest...

An End


First Part

With sorrow, with sadness
He walketh now with no course
Walketh with one certainly
Not live more in this world

A cut and he'll be free
A cut and he'll smile really
A cut and the end...
Won't carry any memorie

Just one woman, beloved
He'll keep a memory
A lovely woman...
Whom left him in hope

Oh well it doesn't matter
It's already was left behind
Soon his figure'll dead
To behind he won't look anymore

Nothing can change his dicision:
"Thou art blind? Look around thee
Thou can see compassion?
I can see just wickedness!"

"Leave of stupidities idiot mind!
Stop think about thy passion
Only is need a one decision:
'Will I cut the wrist or the heart?'"


Second Part

It is cold in the room
Dark clouds cover the sky
Through the wondow blows the wind
Making the cruel scenery

He taketh on the table
The sharp instrument so
Putteth on the wirst, no hurry
He feeleth the sweat, cold

Then a moment of pain
Looketh down, his his clothes's blottled
And his sight become blurred
Blood... dizziness... torpor...

Now he seeth winged creatures
They see his on the ground
They watch his... quiet
"Where am I?" - he thinketh then

He looketh at thy corpse again
And seeth a blood river dancing
He feeleth more and more tired
Now the rain is increasing...

So he knowth at the moment
"This is my end finally"
But the suffering continues
And will extends to eternity...

No Choices

Where are my choices?
My crossroads
Left and right
to make the life mine?
Destined
Once and now
Somehow
My way reaches horizon

Hymn of living
has just one note
And it says
there is no hope
And no end
Through this road along

Hardened feet
Will to soar
But locked on the ground
I nearly have to crawl
Impossible rise
It's shown in the journey
Just one way
Fated
Once and now
I'm down
Abased

Reflex Brings the Past

Mirror's reflex cries
If I only could
My life it's been lies
Hidden behind
A vision I can't understand
A promise was made
At that moment I take

Words now are lost
Only wind knows
The living inside has no life
and woe shows

How believe?
How believe in the future
if the past still glaring
How has no dread?
If through the mirror
I have been led?

Whispers words get my ears
Those words said for years
Mirror cries in remember
Spirit's ready to surrender

Through the splitted mirror
Through the crying reflex